goodgirl804
18-02-2007, 10:31 PM
So I think my boyfriend (bf) of six months might be gay. There is a lot of background info but it is all important, so please bear with me. I have a masters degree in clinical psychology and took courses about working with gay clients/couples, etc, but I am still at a loss in this situation. I have read many of the online message boards, threads, etc about situations like this as well. I have consulted friends of all sorts, including a very close friend who is gay. I’m hoping some completely unbiased feedback will help.
My bf and I met through an online dating service. When I met him, I was blown away by the immediate spark I felt. I had never experienced anything like it. He is very educated, handsome, successful, and well-spoken. He seemed so “perfect” that I was intimidated by him for the first few months we dated. I remember red flags from the beginning: he dressed very different from other guys I knew his age (late 20’s, very early 30’s). His apartment is decorated nicer than most girls’ apartments I’ve seen, including my own (candles everywhere, “girly” curtains and other decorations, pictures of famous actresses on the walls).
He has two Pomeranians. He sings along to pop songs that most guys wouldn’t even admit to liking. He sometimes talks in an exaggerated “gay” voice, which comes out the most when he has been drinking. I know that none of these things individually nor the sum of any of them “mean” that he’s gay, but they stuck out to me and my friends, leading us to half-jokingly call him metrosexual.
He is very creative and artistic, and works in the film/video game industry. He is also a talented photographer. Several people I talked to suggested that many artistic/creative types may come across as gay when they are not. This helped to calm my concerns. For a while.
Here are some reasons he might not be gay: We had great sex from the beginning, which also helped. He also has a bad habit of checking out other women in front of me. It could mean he’s straight, or it’s something he was socialized to do to cover up in front of his guy friends. He loves sports, especially college football, which I hear is not too common for gay men in general. He tells me he loves me, which I believe.
He comes from a very affluent family. His sister is a former Miss America contender. He was raised in Catholic school, and his parents and sister are very staunch in their beliefs. If he came out as gay, it would not be good.
An important side note: About 2 ˝ months ago, I found out that he had a girlfriend when he joined the dating site and met me, and did not break up with her until we had been dating for over a month. He told me he had tried to break things off with her but her father passed away, so he waited until he felt she was more stable. That’s a whole other story, but the relevance is this: she and I talked on several occasions, and she asked me if I had ever wondered if he was gay. We discussed things that she and I both thought were “off” about him the things I mentioned above). Many of her friends met him and thought he was gay too. Another reason the story about her is relevant: Trust had been broken in our relationship when I found out about her, so I have often wondered if that fact is causing me to be paranoid, sabotage the relationship, whatever….
Anyway, I introduced him to a close gay friend of mine. The friend initially said he did not think he was gay, based on the fact that my boyfriend “seemed really into me” and did not give my friend the “gay vibe.” That analysis really calmed my nerves for a while.
Then last week, it all came back stronger than ever. I met my bf’s old college roommate. Several of us were at a bar and were a bit tipsy. I don’t remember how the conversation started, but I think I asked the friend if he ever thought my bf was gay. The friend proceeded to tell me that all of their friends always thought he was gay. He went on to say that their friends had thought my bf had been in love with him. Not long after that, my bf came back to the table (tipsy) and began talking in his exaggerated gay voice. The friend and I looked at each other and started cracking up. I think my bf knew we had been talking about him because we would not answer when he asked what we were laughing.
I felt really crazy at that moment and ended up drinking a lot more to try to get my thoughts about the situation to stop. I went home with my bf that night and ended up breaking down crying when we went to bed. He asked me what was wrong, and I said, “You know you can tell me anything, right? And I will still love you.” But I couldn’t talk about it yet. The next morning he asked me what I had been upset about, and I still couldn’t tell him.
The next day, we went to a superbowl party. My roommate and my gay friend came. After having a few drinks, my bf’s possibly gay mannerisms started to show. My gay friend even saw them for the first time, in his interactions with other people. I asked my gay friend to come to my bf’s house that week to watch a movie. And to assess for gayness.
The friend noticed everything I mentioned earlier about my bf’s apartment, and said “I can see why you would be concerned.” A coworker of my bf’s as well as the coworkers wife came over for drinks a few days later. The coworker made many comments about the way the apartment was decorated, which led to a conversation about how my bf is known as a “primadonna” at work. This set me off in my head. The rest of that conversation is a bit hazy because my anxiety went through the roof, but I do remember the coworker saying very seriously, “Well, I’m glad that you see it too.”
A few minutes later, the wife saw a hot actor on tv and made a comment about him. Her husband responded by saying he heard he was gay. The wife and I came back saying we knew he wasn’t, he dated so and so… Then the coworker said maybe he’s in the closet. Meaning in terms of recent actors coming out, I said, “Oh, everybody’s in the closet.” The coworker look at my bf, who then pointed at me and defensively said “Be careful what you say!” We all froze, looking at each other like WTF?? It became very uncomfortable, and it was somehow covered up by nervous, meaningless conversation.
Since that night, our sex life has seen a dramatic drop. My anxiety is terrible, and I am feeling depressed at the same time. He is currently looking to buy a house and wants me to move in with him. I want nothing more than to do that because I would love to spend the rest of my life with him. We have talked marriage already. But I don’t want to be the woman who finds out 10 years and 2 kids later that her husband is gay. I wish I could talk to him about it, but I believe that if he is indeed in the closet, he’s so far in that he doesn’t even admit it to himself. Last night, we were having dinner and drinks at a restaurant and he made a joke about being gay. Liquid courage let me say, “Please don’t joke about that. I can’t handle any more jokes about you being gay. I’ve had too much of it lately.” He said something about it being my friends saying things and I said it was actually his friends. At that point he dropped it. I would think that if he weren’t gay, he would have asked me what I was talking about. For me, if anything is ever said about me that is untrue, I want to know who said it, everything about what was said, etc. He was disinterested.
I invite any and all feedback. I know that there is a possibility that he isn’t gay at all, and a lot of things I’ve talked about are stereotypes. I know I am a bit insecure, and I know that our relationship has some trust issues. All of these things are contributing. But I have never had to question if a boyfriend was gay. Never even close. Please help. I don’t want to be a cover up.
My bf and I met through an online dating service. When I met him, I was blown away by the immediate spark I felt. I had never experienced anything like it. He is very educated, handsome, successful, and well-spoken. He seemed so “perfect” that I was intimidated by him for the first few months we dated. I remember red flags from the beginning: he dressed very different from other guys I knew his age (late 20’s, very early 30’s). His apartment is decorated nicer than most girls’ apartments I’ve seen, including my own (candles everywhere, “girly” curtains and other decorations, pictures of famous actresses on the walls).
He has two Pomeranians. He sings along to pop songs that most guys wouldn’t even admit to liking. He sometimes talks in an exaggerated “gay” voice, which comes out the most when he has been drinking. I know that none of these things individually nor the sum of any of them “mean” that he’s gay, but they stuck out to me and my friends, leading us to half-jokingly call him metrosexual.
He is very creative and artistic, and works in the film/video game industry. He is also a talented photographer. Several people I talked to suggested that many artistic/creative types may come across as gay when they are not. This helped to calm my concerns. For a while.
Here are some reasons he might not be gay: We had great sex from the beginning, which also helped. He also has a bad habit of checking out other women in front of me. It could mean he’s straight, or it’s something he was socialized to do to cover up in front of his guy friends. He loves sports, especially college football, which I hear is not too common for gay men in general. He tells me he loves me, which I believe.
He comes from a very affluent family. His sister is a former Miss America contender. He was raised in Catholic school, and his parents and sister are very staunch in their beliefs. If he came out as gay, it would not be good.
An important side note: About 2 ˝ months ago, I found out that he had a girlfriend when he joined the dating site and met me, and did not break up with her until we had been dating for over a month. He told me he had tried to break things off with her but her father passed away, so he waited until he felt she was more stable. That’s a whole other story, but the relevance is this: she and I talked on several occasions, and she asked me if I had ever wondered if he was gay. We discussed things that she and I both thought were “off” about him the things I mentioned above). Many of her friends met him and thought he was gay too. Another reason the story about her is relevant: Trust had been broken in our relationship when I found out about her, so I have often wondered if that fact is causing me to be paranoid, sabotage the relationship, whatever….
Anyway, I introduced him to a close gay friend of mine. The friend initially said he did not think he was gay, based on the fact that my boyfriend “seemed really into me” and did not give my friend the “gay vibe.” That analysis really calmed my nerves for a while.
Then last week, it all came back stronger than ever. I met my bf’s old college roommate. Several of us were at a bar and were a bit tipsy. I don’t remember how the conversation started, but I think I asked the friend if he ever thought my bf was gay. The friend proceeded to tell me that all of their friends always thought he was gay. He went on to say that their friends had thought my bf had been in love with him. Not long after that, my bf came back to the table (tipsy) and began talking in his exaggerated gay voice. The friend and I looked at each other and started cracking up. I think my bf knew we had been talking about him because we would not answer when he asked what we were laughing.
I felt really crazy at that moment and ended up drinking a lot more to try to get my thoughts about the situation to stop. I went home with my bf that night and ended up breaking down crying when we went to bed. He asked me what was wrong, and I said, “You know you can tell me anything, right? And I will still love you.” But I couldn’t talk about it yet. The next morning he asked me what I had been upset about, and I still couldn’t tell him.
The next day, we went to a superbowl party. My roommate and my gay friend came. After having a few drinks, my bf’s possibly gay mannerisms started to show. My gay friend even saw them for the first time, in his interactions with other people. I asked my gay friend to come to my bf’s house that week to watch a movie. And to assess for gayness.
The friend noticed everything I mentioned earlier about my bf’s apartment, and said “I can see why you would be concerned.” A coworker of my bf’s as well as the coworkers wife came over for drinks a few days later. The coworker made many comments about the way the apartment was decorated, which led to a conversation about how my bf is known as a “primadonna” at work. This set me off in my head. The rest of that conversation is a bit hazy because my anxiety went through the roof, but I do remember the coworker saying very seriously, “Well, I’m glad that you see it too.”
A few minutes later, the wife saw a hot actor on tv and made a comment about him. Her husband responded by saying he heard he was gay. The wife and I came back saying we knew he wasn’t, he dated so and so… Then the coworker said maybe he’s in the closet. Meaning in terms of recent actors coming out, I said, “Oh, everybody’s in the closet.” The coworker look at my bf, who then pointed at me and defensively said “Be careful what you say!” We all froze, looking at each other like WTF?? It became very uncomfortable, and it was somehow covered up by nervous, meaningless conversation.
Since that night, our sex life has seen a dramatic drop. My anxiety is terrible, and I am feeling depressed at the same time. He is currently looking to buy a house and wants me to move in with him. I want nothing more than to do that because I would love to spend the rest of my life with him. We have talked marriage already. But I don’t want to be the woman who finds out 10 years and 2 kids later that her husband is gay. I wish I could talk to him about it, but I believe that if he is indeed in the closet, he’s so far in that he doesn’t even admit it to himself. Last night, we were having dinner and drinks at a restaurant and he made a joke about being gay. Liquid courage let me say, “Please don’t joke about that. I can’t handle any more jokes about you being gay. I’ve had too much of it lately.” He said something about it being my friends saying things and I said it was actually his friends. At that point he dropped it. I would think that if he weren’t gay, he would have asked me what I was talking about. For me, if anything is ever said about me that is untrue, I want to know who said it, everything about what was said, etc. He was disinterested.
I invite any and all feedback. I know that there is a possibility that he isn’t gay at all, and a lot of things I’ve talked about are stereotypes. I know I am a bit insecure, and I know that our relationship has some trust issues. All of these things are contributing. But I have never had to question if a boyfriend was gay. Never even close. Please help. I don’t want to be a cover up.