CrimsonInferno
01-12-2008, 02:58 AM
Chapter 1
"Choose"
I enjoy long car rides because it gives me a chance to just drift away somewhere else for awhile as I listen to the music playing in my ears. I don't have to be present for the moment, it's okay for me to not be me for just half an hour or an hour or three. I can simply be a thing stuck in one place while my true self floats up over my head, looking down at the body that I left behind, and going to that "somewhere" wherever it actually is. If it even exists. I can be that mist of a soul without any attachments to the soil beneath my physical being's feet because truly, the physical isn't always so pleasant.
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"Hey Nina!"
Someone called my name, I looked up to be greeted by two faces one of which belonged to my amusingly short friend Alexandria and the other to her girlfriend, Josie. They were shyly holding hands and it caused a smile to emerge from within me. The two of them had been dating for about three months, but they still were a little weary of the attention they would get from outside of our high school's Humanities program. "Hey lovebirds, what's shakin'?" I said while I placed a bookmark into the book I had been reading, my smile broadening as the couple stood over me where I sat on the ledge of a garden area in front of the school library. Everyone always found me either in the library, outside of it, or somewhere within the near vicinity.
There they stood, Alexandria softly laughing under her breath as she shook her head at me, "You're always reading. What are you into now, Ninakins?" She always had this odd fixation with calling me that, but I didn't mind. It was better than what my eight year old sister preferred addressing me by at times in order to drive me mad: "Nini".
"Oh, it's called Cacausia... by Danzy Senna... It's pretty good, you know? I like it," I replied, smiling sheepishly. I hated being teased about my chronic desire to read especially since I had the almighty label of being "popular". I never considered myself to be popular, it's just that I have an innate attraction to those of similar characteristics which include the following: anime, dance, music, reading, poetry, spoken word, sports and a few other tidbits here and there. Over my time in high school, I just accumulated friends that happened to like all of these things as well I myself, and suddenly it came to my attention that I was popular, a cool kid, the creme de la creme - whatever that means.
I watched while Alie and Josie talked, rubbing their noses together and keeping one another warm in the cold morning air, and then shared a sweet little kiss before asking me if I wanted to go into the library to warm up. I agreed, packing my notebook into my shoulder bag and then standing at my full height which put me above my friends easily only to lead the way inside. We were greeted by the warm air of the library, immediately shaking off the icy chills, and we headed to our usual table towards the back where we set our belongings down and did last minute homework or just chatted. "What are you up to for winter break?" Alie asked me which forced me to turn my attention away from the stack of manga behind her to her questioning eyebrow. Today was the last day of school before winter break and I had just gotten my driver's license a week prior along with my 1995 convertible Mustang. I could tell from the look on her face that she was expecting to hear something completely scandalous from me, but in all honesty I was at a loss for anything pleasing beyond, "I have no idea".
"What do you mean? Nothing? No parties tonight? Nada!?" she shrieked jokingly, and I laughed at her, waving my hand at her in a sign of protest. "Well, no, I mean... maybe. You-know-who asked me if I wanted to come to a kick-back tonight, and I said I'll see if I'm available and let him know tonight... Of course, I'm available, so I'll be going," my eyes trailed to Josie who was distracting me by playing with her girlfriend's scarf, "Jos, stop that. She'll never get her homework done, you know!" Josie paused and smirked as she drew her hand away from the end of the scarf to twirl her own dark hair in her fingers. "This one? She never gets her work done when I'm around..." "I know!" And the three of us laughed. Once again, I caught myself staring at this interesting couple. Alexandria, whose name was constantly butchered by teachers since her last name was Gonzales so they always assumed her name was Alejandra, sat happily beside Josie. She was so short, it cracked me up every time when I paused to think about it, but she was an attractive full-figured Latino girl with jet black hair, brown eyes and softly tanned skin. Her smile was instantly contagious and I was always secretly jealous of how well she could apply make-up even though I told her it wasn't necessary. Josie on the other hand was biracial but no one would know it simply by looking at her. She was proud of her Assyrian culture but she was also part white. She passed for white without a doubt, but she considered herself Assyrian without argument. I remember how she would tell me that no one knew where Assyria was, or rather once was, or even what it was. I was the only person who knew and that is how we became friends. I stared at Josie then, debating whether or not she would look good with a butch haircut when Alie caught my attention again.
"So, Nina, how's the love life?"
Oh, what a sore spot!
"Non-existent. Why are you even asking me such a question?"
"Well, I just thought that you and so-and-so would possibly...you know...Be an item?"
With a sigh, I had to look her straight in the eye as I leaned over the table towards her and said in a low voice, "Alie girl... I appreciate it, ya know I do, but Evan and I will never be an item, got it? He just...he just..." And with another sigh I pulled away from her, shivering, even though I was warm. I thought about what had happened last summer between Evan and I. I was sixteen, Evan was eighteen, and I lost my virginity to him. It was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I wanted to date him, I wanted to be his girlfriend, but after it was too late I recognized his game: I was hot and he wanted to have sex with me. There was nothing more to it.
"Okay, so what he did was a total ******* move, but you obviously still like him if you're going to that kick-back tonight, Nina," Alie's eyes bore into me then. I knew she was right. Even after what had happened last summer I couldn't seem to sever myself from the death grip that which was named Evan Droy. I instantly became crazy over him just when I saw him walking down the hallway from a distance in my freshman year. I drifted comfortably back into the memory of his slightly messy blonde hair bobbing through the crowd with his indistinguishable black leather jacket. I remembered nearly choking on what I was eating, my eyes glued onto his slender frame weaving in and out of the crowd during nutrition, and I was sold. My friends were shocked then when I told them about him, that I was interested in a white guy because I'm African-American, but I've never been picky. I've always liked men and women of different races but my fixation on Evan was so terribly strong it was sickening almost.
"I know... I know... I can't help it, Alie, but nothing's going to happen, I swear," I replied weakly. My eyes had gone faraway from her and when they looked to her she gazed back at me with a shake of her head. She knew I was lying right through my teeth. The same routine would continue with Evan: I sneak out, he picks me up, we go to his place, we hang with his friends with usually his arm possessively around me, I retreat to his bedroom when I feel bored or tired, he comes in to check on me, lies down beside me, kisses me, holds me and then f*cks me dry with me moaning in his ear tenderly even when I don't like it which is always. It's always the same thing and it disgusts me, but I never tell him, I never dare say it, and I at times wonder why. I guess I'm just that pitiful I think then, and eye Alie again with a sad smile. The bell rang and we had six minutes to get to class.
Josie and I stood up, collecting our belongings, and then Josie helped Alie before the two stood side-by-side but not holding hands this time. The three of us talked as we walked out of the library and went our separate ways, Alie to her math class first period, and Josie and I to our first Humanities period which was philosophy with Mr. Lee. The two of us stood and I knew Josie was talking to me about the NBA game last night, but I could care less as our friend Adrianna approached us to say "Hey". I smiled, making small talk with the two of them before Mr. Lee came, late as usual, and opened the door for the class as we all poured in and at the corner of my eye I noticed someone new making way over. I whispered to Adrianna, "A new kid? Now? Well, he's screwed big time! Thinking about joining HUMA now and having Lee first period, God, that must suck." This made Adrianna giggle which cracked a smile out of me. It was hard to miss him, he had to be well over six feet tall, a white male, he had meat on his bones, but in a good sense, with black hair and dark brown eyes and his skin was a little on the pale side. I smiled even more while I made my way over to my seat in front of Mr. Lee's desk, and took out my notebook while I watched Mr. Lee shake his head at the new student, saying under his breath (though I could hear him) "You're coming in so late...! You've got some catching up to do, welcome to Grover Humanities Magnet". The fact that Mr. Lee welcomed him shocked me, I thought he'd curse at him, knowing how Mr. Lee can be.
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Oooh, I have to momentarily pauuuuse! Sorry. =/ Hehehe
"Choose"
I enjoy long car rides because it gives me a chance to just drift away somewhere else for awhile as I listen to the music playing in my ears. I don't have to be present for the moment, it's okay for me to not be me for just half an hour or an hour or three. I can simply be a thing stuck in one place while my true self floats up over my head, looking down at the body that I left behind, and going to that "somewhere" wherever it actually is. If it even exists. I can be that mist of a soul without any attachments to the soil beneath my physical being's feet because truly, the physical isn't always so pleasant.
-----------
"Hey Nina!"
Someone called my name, I looked up to be greeted by two faces one of which belonged to my amusingly short friend Alexandria and the other to her girlfriend, Josie. They were shyly holding hands and it caused a smile to emerge from within me. The two of them had been dating for about three months, but they still were a little weary of the attention they would get from outside of our high school's Humanities program. "Hey lovebirds, what's shakin'?" I said while I placed a bookmark into the book I had been reading, my smile broadening as the couple stood over me where I sat on the ledge of a garden area in front of the school library. Everyone always found me either in the library, outside of it, or somewhere within the near vicinity.
There they stood, Alexandria softly laughing under her breath as she shook her head at me, "You're always reading. What are you into now, Ninakins?" She always had this odd fixation with calling me that, but I didn't mind. It was better than what my eight year old sister preferred addressing me by at times in order to drive me mad: "Nini".
"Oh, it's called Cacausia... by Danzy Senna... It's pretty good, you know? I like it," I replied, smiling sheepishly. I hated being teased about my chronic desire to read especially since I had the almighty label of being "popular". I never considered myself to be popular, it's just that I have an innate attraction to those of similar characteristics which include the following: anime, dance, music, reading, poetry, spoken word, sports and a few other tidbits here and there. Over my time in high school, I just accumulated friends that happened to like all of these things as well I myself, and suddenly it came to my attention that I was popular, a cool kid, the creme de la creme - whatever that means.
I watched while Alie and Josie talked, rubbing their noses together and keeping one another warm in the cold morning air, and then shared a sweet little kiss before asking me if I wanted to go into the library to warm up. I agreed, packing my notebook into my shoulder bag and then standing at my full height which put me above my friends easily only to lead the way inside. We were greeted by the warm air of the library, immediately shaking off the icy chills, and we headed to our usual table towards the back where we set our belongings down and did last minute homework or just chatted. "What are you up to for winter break?" Alie asked me which forced me to turn my attention away from the stack of manga behind her to her questioning eyebrow. Today was the last day of school before winter break and I had just gotten my driver's license a week prior along with my 1995 convertible Mustang. I could tell from the look on her face that she was expecting to hear something completely scandalous from me, but in all honesty I was at a loss for anything pleasing beyond, "I have no idea".
"What do you mean? Nothing? No parties tonight? Nada!?" she shrieked jokingly, and I laughed at her, waving my hand at her in a sign of protest. "Well, no, I mean... maybe. You-know-who asked me if I wanted to come to a kick-back tonight, and I said I'll see if I'm available and let him know tonight... Of course, I'm available, so I'll be going," my eyes trailed to Josie who was distracting me by playing with her girlfriend's scarf, "Jos, stop that. She'll never get her homework done, you know!" Josie paused and smirked as she drew her hand away from the end of the scarf to twirl her own dark hair in her fingers. "This one? She never gets her work done when I'm around..." "I know!" And the three of us laughed. Once again, I caught myself staring at this interesting couple. Alexandria, whose name was constantly butchered by teachers since her last name was Gonzales so they always assumed her name was Alejandra, sat happily beside Josie. She was so short, it cracked me up every time when I paused to think about it, but she was an attractive full-figured Latino girl with jet black hair, brown eyes and softly tanned skin. Her smile was instantly contagious and I was always secretly jealous of how well she could apply make-up even though I told her it wasn't necessary. Josie on the other hand was biracial but no one would know it simply by looking at her. She was proud of her Assyrian culture but she was also part white. She passed for white without a doubt, but she considered herself Assyrian without argument. I remember how she would tell me that no one knew where Assyria was, or rather once was, or even what it was. I was the only person who knew and that is how we became friends. I stared at Josie then, debating whether or not she would look good with a butch haircut when Alie caught my attention again.
"So, Nina, how's the love life?"
Oh, what a sore spot!
"Non-existent. Why are you even asking me such a question?"
"Well, I just thought that you and so-and-so would possibly...you know...Be an item?"
With a sigh, I had to look her straight in the eye as I leaned over the table towards her and said in a low voice, "Alie girl... I appreciate it, ya know I do, but Evan and I will never be an item, got it? He just...he just..." And with another sigh I pulled away from her, shivering, even though I was warm. I thought about what had happened last summer between Evan and I. I was sixteen, Evan was eighteen, and I lost my virginity to him. It was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I wanted to date him, I wanted to be his girlfriend, but after it was too late I recognized his game: I was hot and he wanted to have sex with me. There was nothing more to it.
"Okay, so what he did was a total ******* move, but you obviously still like him if you're going to that kick-back tonight, Nina," Alie's eyes bore into me then. I knew she was right. Even after what had happened last summer I couldn't seem to sever myself from the death grip that which was named Evan Droy. I instantly became crazy over him just when I saw him walking down the hallway from a distance in my freshman year. I drifted comfortably back into the memory of his slightly messy blonde hair bobbing through the crowd with his indistinguishable black leather jacket. I remembered nearly choking on what I was eating, my eyes glued onto his slender frame weaving in and out of the crowd during nutrition, and I was sold. My friends were shocked then when I told them about him, that I was interested in a white guy because I'm African-American, but I've never been picky. I've always liked men and women of different races but my fixation on Evan was so terribly strong it was sickening almost.
"I know... I know... I can't help it, Alie, but nothing's going to happen, I swear," I replied weakly. My eyes had gone faraway from her and when they looked to her she gazed back at me with a shake of her head. She knew I was lying right through my teeth. The same routine would continue with Evan: I sneak out, he picks me up, we go to his place, we hang with his friends with usually his arm possessively around me, I retreat to his bedroom when I feel bored or tired, he comes in to check on me, lies down beside me, kisses me, holds me and then f*cks me dry with me moaning in his ear tenderly even when I don't like it which is always. It's always the same thing and it disgusts me, but I never tell him, I never dare say it, and I at times wonder why. I guess I'm just that pitiful I think then, and eye Alie again with a sad smile. The bell rang and we had six minutes to get to class.
Josie and I stood up, collecting our belongings, and then Josie helped Alie before the two stood side-by-side but not holding hands this time. The three of us talked as we walked out of the library and went our separate ways, Alie to her math class first period, and Josie and I to our first Humanities period which was philosophy with Mr. Lee. The two of us stood and I knew Josie was talking to me about the NBA game last night, but I could care less as our friend Adrianna approached us to say "Hey". I smiled, making small talk with the two of them before Mr. Lee came, late as usual, and opened the door for the class as we all poured in and at the corner of my eye I noticed someone new making way over. I whispered to Adrianna, "A new kid? Now? Well, he's screwed big time! Thinking about joining HUMA now and having Lee first period, God, that must suck." This made Adrianna giggle which cracked a smile out of me. It was hard to miss him, he had to be well over six feet tall, a white male, he had meat on his bones, but in a good sense, with black hair and dark brown eyes and his skin was a little on the pale side. I smiled even more while I made my way over to my seat in front of Mr. Lee's desk, and took out my notebook while I watched Mr. Lee shake his head at the new student, saying under his breath (though I could hear him) "You're coming in so late...! You've got some catching up to do, welcome to Grover Humanities Magnet". The fact that Mr. Lee welcomed him shocked me, I thought he'd curse at him, knowing how Mr. Lee can be.
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Oooh, I have to momentarily pauuuuse! Sorry. =/ Hehehe