CrimsonInferno
28-07-2008, 12:42 AM
"Headache"
Written by: Blk Sapphire
Dear Diary,
Hey, isn't it great to hear from me again? It's been awhile, you know? I can't honestly say that I haven't had time to write in you...It's more like, I haven't wanted to write in you because then I'll realize just how truly shitty my life has become. And you know why? It's all because of me. I can't blame anyone other than myself...That guy may have given me that shove into mayhem, but I chose to stay there, you know? Not only stay there, but create my own little universe of crazy so that I'd always have something to do no matter how badly it f'ed me up. It has done me in pretty well, too... It's like a constant headache that with time dulls down, but you know it'll be coming back soon after the aspirin wears off. Yeah...just like that. Don't assume though I've been doing drugs and have become an alcoholic! God, no! I secretly wish though at times that I were a pot head or a cocaine addict or that I couldn't live another hour more without a bottle of gin next to me, but I don't have the guts for that... Instead, I'm sitting here with a lot of ache.
The ache is everywhere, especially right here...in my head. I keep telling myself, "Oh yeah, everything will get better. I'll change within a month's time! I won't sleep with him anymore after a month. Enough is enough". But I haven't changed one bit...even if I did listen to my own head talk, I always fall back into the same muck. It's just so easy to lie down in the mud and get a facial. On the other hand, it smells and it gets into my pants and in my ears and everywhere else and it isn't comfortable nor fun anymore. You know...I went out last night again with Charlie... He's so nice I just want to kick myself over and over again for doing this to him, but he's so sweet I can't help it. I don't love him, no, I only love one man and that's my boyfriend Alex, but Alex...he's so far away. It's not fair that he's in college so far away! I never see him...but Charlie? He's walking distance. He's TANGIBLE! And he likes me! A lot! He said that he loved me, and he takes such good care of me while Alex is away, but God I hate doing this to him. I hate knowing that I'm really tearing Alex apart without him knowing it and that I'm shredding Charlie apart without him knowing it...and I'm destroying myself, but I know it. I know it every time I hold his hand and smile and ask Charlie if he thinks I'm beautiful. I know it every time I kiss him "Good morning" when I wake up next to him after a night of adventure. I know it every time I allow him to see me naked and to touch me, and have me moan his name. I know it every...single...damn...time... I'm in his car the morning after, and I can't STAND to look at his FACE because I know...I KNOW...that I'm WRONG!
I can't take this headache... it's turning into a migraine and I just don't know how to stop it. I feel so ****ed up inside, and I can't stop crying right now. I want to be with Alex for as long as I can. He is so good to me...the first one that didn't shun me for my mistakes, and that forgave me when I hurt him so bad. I don't deserve him nor Charlie, but something has to give... And it's gonna be me.
Life is a headache... life is a time consuming selfish ******* and God loves watching me suffer because he knows it'll be a long time before I swim back to him willingly... Damn it.
P.S.
Wait for my next entry, maybe things will be...better?
Written by: Blk Sapphire
Dear Diary,
Hey, isn't it great to hear from me again? It's been awhile, you know? I can't honestly say that I haven't had time to write in you...It's more like, I haven't wanted to write in you because then I'll realize just how truly shitty my life has become. And you know why? It's all because of me. I can't blame anyone other than myself...That guy may have given me that shove into mayhem, but I chose to stay there, you know? Not only stay there, but create my own little universe of crazy so that I'd always have something to do no matter how badly it f'ed me up. It has done me in pretty well, too... It's like a constant headache that with time dulls down, but you know it'll be coming back soon after the aspirin wears off. Yeah...just like that. Don't assume though I've been doing drugs and have become an alcoholic! God, no! I secretly wish though at times that I were a pot head or a cocaine addict or that I couldn't live another hour more without a bottle of gin next to me, but I don't have the guts for that... Instead, I'm sitting here with a lot of ache.
The ache is everywhere, especially right here...in my head. I keep telling myself, "Oh yeah, everything will get better. I'll change within a month's time! I won't sleep with him anymore after a month. Enough is enough". But I haven't changed one bit...even if I did listen to my own head talk, I always fall back into the same muck. It's just so easy to lie down in the mud and get a facial. On the other hand, it smells and it gets into my pants and in my ears and everywhere else and it isn't comfortable nor fun anymore. You know...I went out last night again with Charlie... He's so nice I just want to kick myself over and over again for doing this to him, but he's so sweet I can't help it. I don't love him, no, I only love one man and that's my boyfriend Alex, but Alex...he's so far away. It's not fair that he's in college so far away! I never see him...but Charlie? He's walking distance. He's TANGIBLE! And he likes me! A lot! He said that he loved me, and he takes such good care of me while Alex is away, but God I hate doing this to him. I hate knowing that I'm really tearing Alex apart without him knowing it and that I'm shredding Charlie apart without him knowing it...and I'm destroying myself, but I know it. I know it every time I hold his hand and smile and ask Charlie if he thinks I'm beautiful. I know it every time I kiss him "Good morning" when I wake up next to him after a night of adventure. I know it every time I allow him to see me naked and to touch me, and have me moan his name. I know it every...single...damn...time... I'm in his car the morning after, and I can't STAND to look at his FACE because I know...I KNOW...that I'm WRONG!
I can't take this headache... it's turning into a migraine and I just don't know how to stop it. I feel so ****ed up inside, and I can't stop crying right now. I want to be with Alex for as long as I can. He is so good to me...the first one that didn't shun me for my mistakes, and that forgave me when I hurt him so bad. I don't deserve him nor Charlie, but something has to give... And it's gonna be me.
Life is a headache... life is a time consuming selfish ******* and God loves watching me suffer because he knows it'll be a long time before I swim back to him willingly... Damn it.
P.S.
Wait for my next entry, maybe things will be...better?